We’re just here, wandering around aimlessly, not really making any sort of meaning, looking for the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. I don’t know how I got to this point, but this is how I felt back almost a year ago. I didn’t understand anything to the extent I understood myself. I was suffering immensely psychologically and mentally, as well as physically, as I could not find a way to intelligently deal with the residual effects of my brain surgeries and progressive radiation therapy that happened two years prior. Something just didn’t make sense, something felt different. I was no longer who I once was. I was someone else, someone new, almost as if this brain cancer had changed me forever to someone who hardly resembled myself at all.
Everything felt different. Reality was a whole new ballgame. It’s hard to explain to someone who hasn’t experienced it, but you almost felt like you weren’t really you, but an observer of yourself and everything else that still had control over your body, but it was in a more vague way than a concrete one. It was almost as if my spirit was halfway out of my body and above me. I still feel that way today, but I’ve made peace with it. I realize that feeling this way has its ups and downs, but it is something I have come to accept. I no longer hate the fact I had to go through such turmoil in that year of my life, 65 stitches in the back of my head and two pea-sized cancerous legions in my brain. I know it happened for a reason, a reason that brings me joy each and every day. Transcendence of fear, appreciation for life, the simple things, the minute details that people just brush over without paying much attention to, these are the things I can truly enjoy.
I’m no longer caught up in the rat race of society and its constant superficiality and demands that are so irrational, it makes me want to leave entirely. I just allow myself to live in peace and harmony with the whole, beautiful world. And it saddens me that we are collectively destroying much of it, but I can still appreciate the parts that are still intact, the natural parts of our great planet. I feel a sort of oneness with the world, a collective consciousness, if you would, something that takes me away from being centered in my physical body and allows me to get everything I experience, like a culmination of the world. This sort of revelation was triggered by my brain cancer and its subsequent removal. I was given the option to live on and I’m striving to enjoy every second of the rest of my life, or all of life on Earth.
I know my physical body is not me. I’ve known that for a long time. It is simply a part of me, like the trees are a part of me, and my spirit is a part of me. There is no distinction of more important parts, they are all equal. This computer is me. Every word I type here is a part of me. Put them all together and you get thought. Every time I allow myself to think this way, I get this amazing surge of energy, like I’m connecting to some power source unknown to me previously. The key is keeping it in mind all the time. It’s the most joyous feeling you’ll ever experience, as I’m experiencing it right now. Wow. That was amazing.
Jesus, wasn’t that something? If you’ve never experienced that feeling, just allow yourself to do so. It has to be the best feeling in the world.
But then there are times when I seep into deep depression, where I can’t even fathom a reason to get out of bed. I think to myself, why bother? Who cares if I get up and do this or that, or get that thing I’ve wanted? I mean, I get headaches sometimes that are pretty bad, but I get through them. As long as I don’t push myself too hard, I’ll be okay. I have this happy medium where I don’t overwork myself or I’ll start to get headaches again. It’s not easy to figure out where this medium is, but I’ve been getting closer to it every day. But I know I can experience joy whenever I need to, as I have access to my joy button.
Whether or not I want to be in a perpetual state of joy is something I’m not completely sure of. Would everything become boring and meaningless if joy is my natural state? Being full of joy all the time would be good, to some extent, but the lack of variability in my emotions could possibly make my life boring. I believe peace is the answer. Life in a state of peace. You accept everything as it is. You just allow things to be. If you feel mad, you feel mad, but you’re at peace with the fact you’re feeling mad. You know it will pass and that you’ll enter a state of happiness later, maybe even joy.
I’ve been on this planet almost 21 years and I feel that in the last year, things have finally come full circle for me. Everything is starting to make sense. The world is my oyster. I am aware of the power I possess and the amazing talents I hone at every corner. I know I have the power to be peaceful no matter what happens. I don’t place my faith in the external world because it’s inconsistent. The only thing I can rely on to be completely consistent is myself. In accepting myself for who I am, not hating any part of me, loving everything, I’ve gotten past bitterness. I understand the way the world works, but I still don’t know why completely. I can’t fathom why things are the way they are. Why we’re these animals on a planet living to perpetuate our existence, to some cherished ideal that we seem to be straying further and further away from. Asking the question, “Why are we here?” only renders one response: To make the world a better place.
To go about doing this, making the world a better place, we need to destroy many things we cling to tightly to in today’s society. I’m willing to dump the automobile, the depletion of our natural resources, the destruction of nature, and the hierarchical way the world is run. I’m ready to get rid of all of it. I’ve transcended all of it, knowing on the other side there is more for us, a feeling of amazing peace. We just need to get there, all together. We need to stop placing our emphasis out there and start focusing introspectively. Looking inward for guidance. Our instinct and intuition know what we are supposed to be doing, but we silence that voice in the back of our minds, passing it off as crazy talk, acting like it’s improbable. But we all know it’s possible, even probable. It’s all about committing to it.
This is about people giving to others, helping one another, treating everyone as equals, no matter their economic status or color of skin. There should be no class system, no overseers who control every move we make. We should be able to live a life of peace freely, absent of bureaucratic nonsense that drives you insane if you even begin to think about it. Whenever I imagine a world where I am one with nature and nature is one with me, I become peaceful. I know that peace is only a step away, and joy is about three steps further. Thank you for reading. I appreciate it.
P.S. Anyone else feel this way somewhat? I mean, we need to all live to make the world better. Otherwise, what’s the purpose of living besides selling dangerous products to an unsuspecting public for years before you retire and play canasta and golf while you wait for the Grim Reaper to come get you. Let’s do this.