Jesus Christ born from a woman who never had sex. That is just almost too crazy to believe, isn’t it? I’m sure back in the year zero or one, there was an episode of Maury where Virgin Mary was there saying that there’s no way Joseph is the father of her baby and God was there saying there’s no way he’s the father. And Maury, who had just been taken back there via time machine, was there to settle the score. God was up there like, “That girl ain’t no virgin. I’ve seen her with seven different guys. And I see everything. I am God.” And Joseph is like, “Why am I even here? I ‘ve never slept with her but for some reason the producers want me to say that I think I’m the father of this kid.” And Maury’s like, “Hey, everybody, let’s hear the results. When it comes to eight-month-old Jesus, Joseph, you are NOT the father. God, you ARE the father.” And Mary goes running backstage all distressed. God’s like, “Oh, no.” Maury asks him, “So are you going to take care of this kid?” And God’s like, “Yeah, I’m gonna get myself a job and support this kid to being just like me.” And look what happened.
And then this Jesus character walks on water, turns water into wine, and moves a mountain or something. I don’t know because I haven’t read the Bible. But it’s crazy to think that someone can really turn water into wine unless they have some grapes and some alcohol. Jesus was a magician who had an idea about how life should be lived and used his magic tricks to “prove” he was the messiah. Every night when he went to bed, he would think to himself, “I can’t believe they actually believe this shit.”
Two thousand years later, look where we still are. People still believe this. And I for one cannot just sit back and let the socially conditioning of Christian values be brought upon us. Well, if you’re one of those people who says, “Faith is all I need,” when confronted with the evidence that some of the things you believe are impossible, well, you need to reevaluate your whole theory on reality. Sure Jesus was a cool guy and he would have been great to hang out with. I’m sure he got a lot of ladies because of that whole messiah thing. He was a fucking chick magnet. And if they ever ran out of wine, “Hey Jesus, make me some more wine.” And he did.
Some people take this shit too seriously, though. Like when I get down on Christians, I’m just doing it to make you question your beliefs a little because if you don’t, you’re no better than people like the KKK who are too afraid to think that what they stand for is wrong, so they continue killing niggers. It’s just crazy how sometimes I see the KKK in my neighborhood and I tell them there’s a black person in my garage and they actually look. You can say what you want about belief systems, but to chastise just one is ludacris. Each one has its own faults. But when you’re in one of these systems, you are often critical of others’ beliefs just because they’re not yours so they have to be wrong, right? If you believe Jesus was the son of God and they believe Muhammad was, they’re obviously wrong. No they’re not. We’re supposed to be all God’s children, so what’s so special about Jesus?
God is a choice. You can believe it exists or it doesn’t. It’s not like you should think of it as a man or woman, though. That’s because if there is a God, then why would he just focus on human beings and just Earth? What about the rest of the universe and all the creatures that could exist? And what about Maury Povich? I’m sure he has some input on this situation. “God, you are a not a human. You are an energy force.” Leave it to the talk show hosts, huh?