Free Stuff

Why is it whenver someone offers something free, everyone jumps to get it?  It doesn’t matter what it is, everyone wants it.  I’ve never seen anything like twenty-thousand men lined up to get a free tampon.  It’s amazing, it really is.  But if a particular store has some sort of promotion where you get a free hat with purchase, you’ll see thousands of people there just for the hat.  It’s like, “Well, I figured I’d get my free hat along with my purchase of $150 in merchandise.”  And the merchandise isn’t even something the person wanted.  It’s just the hat. 

The word “free” has so much power.  It can turn normal, law-abiding citizens into a mass mob running towards the free hot dog stand.  It’s insane.  I guess its appeal is that if something is free, even if you don’t like it, there’s no risk.  The only thing you lose is your time.  I guess people don’t value time as much as money, except for maybe the people who say, “Time is money.”  But it seems like if something isn’t going to cost us anything, then no amount of time is too much to justify receiving a free gift.  Why do you think companies offer a free gift with purchase of certain things?  They know that if you need to spend $45 to get a free paperweight, then you’ll do anything to meet that criteria.

What scares me is Wal*Mart.  You see, they’re always rolling back prices.  You never hear about them raising prices, so you know one day, it’s all going down to zero.  Everything at Wal*Mart will be free.  And you think it’s busy now.  I can imagine the second that Wal*Mart goes down to zero on everything in the store, the next second, everything will be gone.  The employees’ uniforms stripped off their bodies.  Bathroom stalls gone.  The gigantic letters on the outside of the building.  Gone.  And the employees will be looking around, thinking, “Where did everything go?” 

Which is why we must try and resist free stuff.  Free stuff is not really free.  It’s free in the sense that you don’t have to pay, but is it really worth the hassle of standing next to two thousand other people who are also trying to get their piece of the free pie?  I say it isn’t.  I will pay full price just so I don’t have to deal with another screaming mob.  That’s why I never shop at Wal*Mart.  Sure you’ll pay more at other places, but you don’t have to deal with all the people. 

Then there’s the people who say, “The best things in life are free.”  Yeah, I”m sure that Girls Gone Wild T-shirt you earned when you lifted up your shirt is one of your prized possessions.  Or that “Save the Tiger” T-shirt you got in fifth grade for going on a nature walk.  I’m sure that’s up on the mantle with your Emmy Award and Congressional Medal of Honor.  The best things in life cost something.  They either cost time or money or make you sacrifice something else in your life.  Sure, handouts are great, but they’re nowhere close to the best things in life.

This is why I think we need to start charging people for air.  We can charge anything we want, people will pay.  Because if they don’t, they’ll suffocate.  It’s almost like the rising gas prices we had this summer.  You can complain all you want, but the onlly way you’re going to stop is to stop driving.  And no one was ready to do that.  Nobody dusted off their bikes or anything, so they paid.  Then all these promotions came out for free gas.  Free this, free that, what I need is some free time.  None of this time share crap.  I want my own time free.  Peace out, everyone.

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