Steven Wright is Crazy

I’m sure you know of a comedian named Steven Wright if you’re at all a comedy fan.  He’s a very obscure comedian who did much performing in the ’80s and ’90s and he still goes places today, but not as much.  I’d like to give a tribute to him and list some of my favorite jokes of his.  Here they are, in no particular order:

  •  A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I’m afraid of widths.
  • Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.
  • I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day cause I know it’s gonna be up all night.
  • How young can you die of old age?
  • I bought some batteries, but they weren’t included.
  • I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.
  • I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
  • I have the world’s largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches of the world… perhaps you’ve seen it.
  • I met this wonderful girl at Macy’s. She was buying clothes and I was putting Slinkies on the escalator.
  • I think God’s going to come down and pull civilization over for speeding.
  • I’m writing an unauthorized autobiography.
  • If you shoot at mimes, should you use a silencer?
  • In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the roulette wheel over what I considered to be an odd number.
  • There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators.
  •  You can’t have everything. Where would you put it?
  • So I began hitching.  I got picked up by this huge trailer truck carrying twenty brand new cars.  I climbed up the side of the cab and he said, “there’s no room in here, why don’t you get in one of the cars in the back?”  So I did.  And he was really into picking up people cause he picked up nineteen more.  We all had our own cars.  Then he went 90 miles an hour, we all go speeding tickets.
  • I went to the drive in in a cab.  The movie cost me 95 dollars.
  • I was skiing in England. I went up in a lift with this guy I never met.  We went halfway up the mountain without saying a word to each other.  Then he said, “You know, this is the first time I’ve been skiing in ten years?”  I said, “Really, why’s that?”  He said, “I was in jail.  You wanna know why?”  I said, “No not really.”  Then i said, “You’d better tell me why.”  He said, “I pushed a total stranger off of a ferris wheel.”  I said, “I remember you.”
  • When I have a child, I’m going to get one of those strollers for twins.  I’m gonna tell him he was a twin, too.  “You were a twin and your brother didn’t listen to me.”
  • I’m Caesarian born.  Can’t really tell.  Although whenever I leave the house, I go out through the window.
  • Whenever I pick up hitchikers, I like to wait a few minutes before I say anything to them.  Then I say, “So how far did you think you were going?  Put your seatbelt on, I wanna try something.  I saw it in a cartoon once, but I”m pretty sure I can do it.”
  • I just got back from the hospital.  I was in a speed reading accident.  I hit a bookmark, flew across the room.

I guess that’s all I really find notable, but I’m sure there’s more.  He does this one bit where he’s on a elevator and this other guy gets on and they ride the elevator to Phoenix and they go out into the desert and the phone rings and it’s Steven’s loan officer from his bank.  I find him to be abolutely hillarious.  I didn’t mention every joke because I want you to experience him for yourself.  He’s very surreal, but still, very funny.  He’s one of my favorites and I hope you enjoy him as well.  Check out his website, you won’t regret it.

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