I want to tell you a true story about eharmony.com. I took seven and a half hours to fill out the Personality Profile. It took me two and a half days in two and a half hour shifts. It was so cumbedrsome and such a long time to spend on such a waste of time. But I pressed through it. I did it all. I just wanted to see if there was anyone out there like me. All these questions about who I am, who I want to be with, what’s going on in my head. It was an adventure in self-exploration.
So I finish the profile and submit it and here’s the message I get: Hello, thank you for filling out the personality profile. “We’re very sorry, but around 1-2% of applicants are not considered acceptable for this type of service. We wouldn’t want you to waste all your money on something that probably wouldn’t work for you. We’re sorry, but you’re most likely doomed to a life of lonliness and solitude.”
So I decided to stop going on that website. What does that say about me? Am I really that different, that weird? Am I so strange that even the strange people aren’t compatible with me? Is that what this has come to? I really think that’s what’s happened. I’ve become so sheltered, so isolated, that people are a foreign policy to me. I can’t relate to anyone, apparently. Well, I guess I’ll never get married. It’s too bad. Well, I was hoping to have my wedding catered by the supermarket I work in. The reception would be in Aisle 7. Well, I guess that’s never going to happen for me. Too bad. But I still have some hope. I’m sure there were people who filled it out before me who got the same response who would be completely compatible with me, but they just don’t know it because they’ve given up on eharmony as well. I must say, though, there’s nothing like a dating website to show you who you really are.
So what should I do from here? I’m looking for someone in my life who makes me smile and laugh and is attractive enough to not make me want to leave. I need someone who relates to me the way I relate to the world. I need someone with the same kind of feelings as me. I think I’ve nailed it. I need someone who hates people just as much as I do. Where can I find such a person? Most people like that are all alone in their house, watching TV or reading a spectacular book. I’ll never meet these people at social occasions, unless they go there grudgingly. It will have to be a chance encounter in a supermarket or bookstore. I’m reluctant to talk to people who I know have no head on their shoulders and no brain anywhere. I need someone who gets me. And when I find someone like that, maybe I can be okay. We’ll see what happens in the near future. Until then, I’m practicing comedy.