November 30, 2006

I understand.


Waking Up

November 30, 2006

Being “awake” is a key to becoming a better person.  By awake, meaning that you understand.  And by understand, I mean that you get the big picture, that you know the nature of our existence.  And by knowing the nature of existance, you know that “life is nothing but a dream, so peaceful and serene,” albeit a very persistent one.  But even if you do reach this conclusion, it kind of stagnates there, leaving me wondering, “So what?  If this is a dream, then what’s the point of existing?”

This supposed dream we all experience, or I experience subjectively, is quite a persistent dream, although I did witness something today that threw myself for a loop.  I saw someone disappear today, which I previously thought was impossible, then thought was possible, and now I know it is definitely possible.  It’s the “prestige…”  Just kidding.  But this is seriously something I wonder about.  If this is a dream, then anything we want to happen, will to happen, can and will happen, but the problem is that if this is a dream, then it’s all utterly meaningless anyway.  If I get millions of dollars, sure I can live a lavish life of richness and wealth and everything I could dream of, but what would that mean if this is just a dream?  I’ve dreamt I was rich before and when I woke up, it didn’t play a significant part in my waking reality, so I’m not sure if the being that’s dreaming this life, this world, this universe, will see our lives in his dream as terribly significant.  I know the higher being is consciousness, and I have been experiencing tapping into it and it’s a very calming sort of presence that I rather enjoy, a state of inner peace.

It’s almost as if all my troubles melt away when I connect with this higher version of myself, of my world.  It’s like something out of a movie, an amazing wave of peace and unconditional love for everything because, as we all know, everything is consciousness, so everything is ineed ourselves.  Everything is a projection of our thoughts/consciousness.  So if we can immerse ourselves in this higher place, this higher being, we can find peace, no matter what the circumstance, which is something I’m doing more and more lately.  I know that even after I die, everything will be fine because my spirit will reconnect with this consciousness and it will all be revealed to me, away from this reality cloak. 

So the only thing I can do is experiment with different things.  Maybe I would like to levitate or become invisible, maybe manifest a million dollars and live my life out in the mansion of my dreams.  It’s all up to me.  And it will be with grace, ease, lightness, and of course peace.  I understand that this is only a dream, so I’m going to try and make it the most serene and wonderful dream possible.  Why not strive to do this?  It’s something I can definitely strive for.  And I’m showing universal repsect for anyone and everyone I encounter in my life as I know they are part of my dream, consciousness’s dream, that I have to relate to in everyday life.  I know that everyone I come in contact with represents a part of myself, so in order to fully embrace the world as it is, I have to accept this fact.  I’m on my journey through life, with wonder in my eyes, and limitless possibilities, ready for anything, and knowing that nothing can stop me.

On a Good Path

November 28, 2006

I’ve gotten on this remote path lately, a path where serving others is something I don’t mind doing, as it also is serving myself in some way.  I understand that it is better to give than to receive, but you still have to receive some to maintain your physical body and the more money you have, the more you can express yourself in an efficient manner.  Supposedly, there’s a quote that says, “Money makes you more of who you already are.”  And I suppose I agree with this statement to some extent.  I know that richness does not imply happiness and this is something that people have a  hard time underdstanding.  Sure, it may lead to temporary happiness, but this feeling will be soley momentary.  It will not have the lasting effects of inner peace and love for everything in the universe and beyond…

I suppose this inner peace thing came to be in a very relaxed way.  One day I wasn’t working and I was really relaxed and I was thinking, “Wouldn’t it be great if I could feel like this all the time?”  So I started feeling like this at work, at peace, no hostility, no worries about the job, no worries about life, just flowing effortlessly through a world I do not completely understand.  And it’s worked well for myself, as I no longer feel fatigued nor do I feel stressed, for the most part.  There are times when I get out of this state, but it’s not as frequent as it used to be.

Humor and relaxing go hand in hand.  Laughing is a tension relief method that takes me to a place I love to be.  But it has to be genuine humor, not some ill-fated humor, like making fun of a handicapped person.  It has to be something that’s genuinely funny.  I have this resource of material I use to make myself laugh and to put everything in perspective.  Like if I’m ever stressed on my job, I just say, “Hey, who cares?  It’s just a job.  It doesn’t matter.  You’ll be in college again in less than two months and who cares about this job?”  And then I see how trivial it is with respect to the universe as a whole and I almost burst out laughing.

Yesterday, I didn’t get a break until 5 hours fifteen minutes of working, which is odd for the place I work, but the people there NEVER offer me a break, I always have to ask for it, so yesterday, I decided I was not going to ask for one at all and if I didn’t get one, so be it.  So I just work, work, work, in a relaxed manner.  I’m waiting for the break, even though I really don’t need one, I even buy a water so my throat doesn’t become parched while on the clock.  About fifteen minutes after that, I am finally offered a break, but now I really don’t feel I need one, but I take it anyway.  I grab an apple and eat it very slowly, as I have fifteen minutes to eat it.  I savor every bite for what seems like a half hour, then I go back to clock back in.  It has only been fifteen minutes, but how could I have known that?  I dismiss all forms of clocks and time as I find them irrelevant, except when I have to be somewhere at a certain time, but I’m sure if I relaxed that notion, I still would make it to most places on time, and even if I didn’t, what’s the big deal?  It’s not going to kill me.

I’ll never forget the episode of Seinfeld when Kramer says, “I tell time by the sun,” and one of the other characters asks him, “What do you do at night?” and he says, “I’m usually within a couple of hours or so.”  I find that hilarious, while at the same time seeing it has practical use.  Why not?  And why bother with defining time so rigidly?  So we can get credit for working eight hours?  I don’t care about that, I think you should get paid for the value you create, not the time you spend creating it.  It should be, you work, you get done, you leave, no need to work out the remaining hours standing around just so you get paid for what you did before. 

I believe you can do everything in an easy and relaxed manner, in a healthy and positive way, in its own perfect time, for the highest good of all.  I stole that quote from Marc Allen, and he stole it from some lady who wrote a book about something, I don’t have the willpower to look it up right now.  You don’t need to be so rigid and cutthroat.  It’s not the way of the world.  Well, maybe it is now, but it didn’t use to be.  I try and bring this relaxation with me wherever I go so that people around me will be receptive to this and share some laughs with me.  It’s a very enlightening experience to share your relaxation with someone who is down.  It cheers them right up.

Last night I had a conversation about one of my favorite dark comedies, American Psycho.  And we’re laughing at the fact this guy put on a raincoat before he killed this guy and had copies of the New York Times lying around his floor.  The victim asks him, “Is that a raincoat?” and he answers enthusiastically, “Yes, it is!”  So funny.  It’s a really funny movie and I just got the book in and am reading it.  It’s a very superficial story, but it’s so detailed and funny.  But people who are uptight could not see the humor in a homicidal maniac who cares more about which loafers you are wearing than the person inside of you. 

So, I guess the overall message is to take life lightly and don’t get to caught up in the “rat race.”  I see too many people who always neglect their laziness, and while doing so, become so focused they get this tunnel vision and it leads to neglection of opportunities they would otherwise be open to had they not been working so hard.  I realize that it is my duty to lighten up people’s days and slow them down a little.  Relax, take it easy, for an hour every day.  Just reflect, understand, and ponder the nature of our existance and why you get stressed over seemlingly insignificant things.  Just laugh, love, learn, and be happy. 

 I hope you enjoy this post as much as I did writing it.

Tempted by the Fruit of Another

November 27, 2006

I cannot believe how much time it takes to eat an orange, especially one of the navel variety.  It’s like a marathon and it is similar to eating a pomegranate, but nowhere near as frustrating.  Eating a pomegranate was impossible, as I only cut it in half and then said, “I’m done.”  I did not want to spend six and a half hours getting into that thing.  But I was under the impression that oranges are not very time-consuming, but I was dead wrong.  Maybe it’s just the navel variety of oranges, and the fact that they were on sale for 25 cents each, maybe that all contributed to this arduous task.  I ended up buying four of them on Friday night, but I only ate one so far and that was today. 

The skin was a pain to get off, especially because there was still this white pulpy stuff all around the orange.  That must have tkaen me five minutes or so and then I started shaving off some of the pulp with a knife.  I had most of it off on one side, so I decided to take a bite of it to see if it was any good.  It was a taste explosion.  So good, so great, so wonderful.  But I decided to slice it up as I go, slicing off each piece as I wanted it.  I ended up spitting out a lot of the extra pulp as it does not taste particularly good, but I did swallow some of it as well as chewed it into submission.  When I got halfway through the bastard, I was thinking, “I’m only halfway done.  this could be a long day.”  But I pressed on.  I almost cut my finger at least seven times, but noticed it quick enough to get away from the knife.  But I eventually finished it and it left me feeling quite full and satisfied, so I decided to make it my breakfast.  It took me about a half hour to consume…

Here is the reason I feel it was on sale for so cheap:  There is a time investment that is coupled with the low price.  Time is more valuable than money, so I’m feeling like I was duped here.  I can eat an apple in ten minutes, a kiwi in five, some celery sticks in five to ten, but fruits like a pomegranate and oranges/grapefruits take me at least a half hour, with the POM being way longer.  The taste is extraordinary, but the time investment is not.  The time it takes for me to devour something of that magnitude could be spent pursuing other endeavors.  But I guess this is the way one must eat if he/she wants to live a healthy life.  I can get used to it, I must get used to it.  It’s not a hard pill to swallow, but it can take away from my other activities.

I am going to make it a goal of mine to eat three servings of vegetables, three servings of fruit, and at least one serving of nuts each day, preferably all raw.  I may have a soup every now and then, but the goal here is to completely revitalize the nutrients in the foods I’m taking in.  I had never really taken into consideration the damage that’s done to cooked food in the process of cooking.  Although I cannot forsee myself taking cooked food completely out of my life, to eat it as minimally as possible would definitely be a good goal to follow, but then I have to define minimal and possible.  Last night, at work, I was riddled with temptations from coworkers:  “Do you want a piece of pizza?  How about a chocolate bar?”  I said, “No thank you, I just ate.”  I think the best way to go about doing this is to always have a snack on hand.  Something like a pear or some brccoli/celery so that you’re not tempted by other things because you have something at your disposal to steer you away from the “devil foods.”

Another thing that’s been bothering me is dairy products.  They taste decent, but they wreak havoc on my stomach and digestive system to the point I feel lousy when I wake up the next day.  It’s probably best to avoid them as much as possible as well.  Not to mention the cholestorol and high saturated fat content in most of these products, but it’s more the destruction of them that get to me.  They boil these products and mess up the chemistry of it just so it has a longer shelf life.

In a post about whether or not I want to go raw, located here, I talk about how it may be worth a shot trying it out for awhile, but there are so many external pressures in life that totally take away from your attempt, like going out to eat with family.  People are going to wonder why you’re getting just a salad and all that.  “Why don’t you want to eat like a man?”  Things like that.  But that is not really a problem, just a proposed one.  It hasn’t actually happened to me, but the very thought of it, for some reason, can make me change my diet back to cooked foods.  I’ll have to start figuring out solutions to this problem.  I’ll post in the future about this conundrum.  If that’s how you spell that word.  Later.

I Don’t Get It

November 26, 2006

I don’t know what it is, but I just don’t get it.  I feel as if I reside outside myself.  Ever since I had a brain tumor and the subsequent surgeries, it’s been a very surreal experience for me.  It’s very strange, and it’s very hard to explain completely, but here it goes:

It’s almost as if I am living in a dream-like state, kind of like I’m observing myself independent of my body, but also through my own eyes.  I can’t really place words on it, but to place this sort of feeling would be hard to do completely.  It’s not that I don’t enjoy it, it’s the fact that I don’t understand it completely and it’s got me thinking about what reality really is.  Is it just a dream?  Because when I have dreams, they seem so real.  The places, the detail, it’s so vivid, just like real life.  So maybe life is just a very persistent dream.  Because that’s how I feel in life, just like when I’m dreaming.  It feels the same now.  I even have trouble distinguishing from the two.  Some things I’ve done in my dream I think I’ve done in reality and vice-versa.  I feel I’m moving closer to the truth, though.  Finding out that there is something above me, my physcial body that is, and it’s also a part of me.  It’s something that kind of works with me to create the world as I see it.  But I don’t know why.  I’m working towards finding out, but it’s so damn confusing.  There isn’t much direction and the more I think about it, the more confused I become.  There has to be some meaning in this existance, but what is the meaning?

Finding something like this out will take me awhile.  It will be something i enjoy though.  I think that figuring out this question is the purpose of all of our lives.  But most of us don’t do that.  And this is a shame.  Only a select few have actually done it:  Jesus, Buddha, and other mystics, but that was true to them.  Some of the things are true to me, but not all of them.  But by examining these things, we start to understand that we don’t really know.  No one does.  We’re here, but we can’t possibly know why or what our lives will mean.  It’s so abstract, but it tugs at our core beliefs so much that it can alter the world we live in drastically.  But by doing this, we gain more clarity. 

I’ve began to embark on this journey for about a year now and I really don’t know where it will take me.  I am wandering across this plane of existance, while also going to other planes.  The dream plane is completely random and the “reality” plane is very concrete and other planes I’ve never been on are probably somewhere in between.  But I’m not sure why or what or how.  So I just sit here, wondering, trying to figure this all out, while at the same time trying to hold a job and maintain a life.  It’s becoming exhausting just to be, just to exist, and doing that alone is no easy task.  It takes so much mental energy to ponder these things and to put everything in perspective in so many ways and wonder about how the world works and if it’s simply in our own minds.  Who knows what’s really going on?  It could all be some kind of dream,and that’s the way it’s starting to look in my world.

But there has to be a point to all of this.  Some things don’t make sense to me.  We were born into this world with all these rules that we had no idea were in effect, we were not consulted when they were made, and other things.  It’s a real weird situation as I see reality almost breaking down in front of me.  As I attack each core belief, I start to see different things happen that don’t seem possible under my old system.  It’s almost as if I’m at the helm of the ship and I can decide what it is that’s real, but even if I can, what does that matter?  So what if I’m powerful?  And I use that power for good/evil?  What will that do for me as an entity, not as a body?  My body is not me anymore, it’s more a part of me, but just as much as my soul or spirit is part of me. 

I hope I have some answers real soon on some of these questions.  I will be back in a couple of days after I contemplate this more.  It’s so expansive, I may get stuck for awhile, but at least I’m making some headway, and I have to find meaning it it.  So, until next time…

To Go Raw or Not To?

November 24, 2006

I found this great website called Living Foods.  It’s a website about an all-raw diet.  By raw, I man nothing is cooked whatosever.  It only makes sense because heat obviously destroys food to some extent, taking out some of the nutrients.  But the fact that food becomes slightly toxic when cooked is another factor that I am really looking intro.  After eating a gigantic Thanksgiving feast, I felt awfully tired afterwards, which is something I really shouldn’t feel after eating a meal.  I should feel energized and ready to rumble.  But I didn’t.  I felt more tired than I did before I ate at all.  So maybe this is not the optimal ways of eating.  Maybe raw is the way to go.

Some o the articles on Living Foods (see link above) were very persuasive, and I’m curious to try something like this, but it will not be easy in the place I live now.  I may have to wait a couple of years or I could just do it now for a little while and see how I feel on it.  As long as I make the primary foods vegetables and fruits, along with nuts and seeds.   I’ve heard so many accolades about how it’s an amazing diet from many people, some of which who aren’t part of the whole health promoting field, so it may be worth a shot if I can stick with it.  I’ll have to try it or something.

The main thing that people supposedly derive from such a diet is increased mental clairty, more energy, and they lose weight at an amazing pace.  It’s definitely a good benefits package and it seems as if it is optimal, except I may have to eat some animal fat or something to get Vitamin B12 because a diet like this is completely devoid of any sort of vitamin.  It’s something I’ll have to consider.  I don’t want to have to take supplements or anything.  That’s not how I roll.  Supplements are for the people who are health nuts.  I just want to get all my vitamins naturally…

If anyone has experienced this diet and would wish to comment on it, then go ahead.  I’m not stopping you.  Just give me some insight as to what it means to go raw and how you cope with an unraw society.  So let me know…  Thank you.

Why or Why Not

November 23, 2006

I like to let my mind wander. Just let go of reality for awhile. It’s very comforting. What if I was different? What if I was older, younger, smarter, more energetic, less focused, what would my life be like if I was like that? Where would I go? Would I understand everything I do now? Or would I understand more? What if I was a woman who grew up in Singapore and was told her whole life that I wasn’t very important by my parents, or told I was useless? What would life be like if I were born to a millionaire and never had to work a day in my life? All of these insane thoughts, I kind of make different lives for myself that don’t have any real staying power in reality, but they at least allow me to pass the time. I need a reason for being here, though. There are no real reasons as through the perspective of the universe, everything becomes trivial. So it’s hard to really understand what’s going on. I’m not going to accept anything blindly either. I need to have it resonate with me. I need some sort of answer that is justified in my conscious mind. And until I have that, I really do not have any answers about reality in a way that I can comprehend. Sure, people have tried to explain reality as accurately as possible, but they have not done so to my standards. I need something more concrete, something I can grasp.

I want to know why we’ve created this world and why we live isolated from the rest of the universe, and mostly isolated from the world. I need answers, but it’s not easy to come by them these days. The fact that I’m thinking about this counts, though. If I was just living a sedentary life, with no real questions, no thoughts of introspection, then I would be ashamed of myself, realizing that I have nothing to offer. But maybe I’m crazy and the rest of the world is sane. How would I know? I have no one else to compare myself to that won’t be wearing their mask of sanity. The people that will act normal to fit in and never understand why until it’s too late, they are normal. It’s an assimilation, if you will. A direct assimilation that halts creativity and mind. But in order to be accepted by these people, these entities, we have to want the newest car, the greatest gadget, and watch hours of television where these innate values are fed to us with a silver spoon.

But what does this mean anyway? If someone is dishonest about marketing a product to you through all these relatively evil methods, what is their real motivation besides money? And what will money do for you once you have too much of it? And what does money have to do with the whole universe? Why are we on this planet where making money from something is more important than actively giving it away to benefit people? Maybe I was brought into existence too late because I’m sure the universe didn’t work this way thousands of years ago, a time where we thought for ourselves and based our decisions not by what others did, but from what we want to do.

I think the best question to ask in all of this is: Why? And I’m sure you could go for the cop-out answer: Why not? But that’s not very clever, nor is it amusing. People will go into some long-winded sermon about how a certain religion is right and that it’s the only way to answer that question. And I can’t deal with that. I don’t want beliefs forced on me. I want to figure my own beliefs out for myself. I’ll assess the situation and go from there. It’s a hell of a time doing this, though. It could take a lifetime, maybe longer. But most people don’t take the time to do this. They follow whatever they’re fed because it’s too much work to figure out things for themselves. Just go to someone who seems to be thriving in a current belief system and adopt it. But it shouldn’t be that simple. Something is telling me it has to resonate with you completely. It can’t be someone else’s words flowing through your head. The only thoughts that should be flowing through your head are yours.

I don’t know how much further I can take this before I go completely and utterly insane, but I feel there is such a group mentality in the world where people simply believe what certain people believe in order to be accepted, while not completely accepting themselves. If you completely and fully accept yourself, then there will be no need to search for acceptance in other people. This is where the concepts go astray because the majority of people don’t really accept themselves and don’t believe in anything specific, due to the fact they don’t take the time to see what works for them. So they take “the easy way out,” not finding beliefs and not accepting anything as real. So they look to others for some guidance, and the guidance most people give have to do with their own agendas and conversion rhetoric. It’s a terrible system and it needs to change. If I were to form a group, I wouldn’t want anyone to be here that doesn’t believe what I believe in because it would be incongruent with their beliefs. Why would you go to a Catholic church if you’re a Muslim?

But we all want answers. Answers are what we desire. Answer to Why and Why Not are very hard to come by. But most people don’t put in the time to answer logically. This is a problem because this leads most people to believing what others believe in just because they haven’t done the groundwork for their own unique belief system. We’re so conditioned to treat time as “money,” and to not take time to ponder these great questions, but rather to get as much done in a half-hour as is humanly possible. Efficiency is highly valued, but introspection and assessment of the self is not. We value robotic “good” workers much more than we reward intuitive thinkers whose ideas can be very useful. Sure, people like Jesus and Buddha got recognition and so did Socrates and Plato, but most of these people are told, “Why don’t you get a job, you lazy bastard!” And it’s wrong, wrong. Let them think, let them experiment.  These are the fathers of the new world.  Don’t stifle their creativity, but embrace it.

Sidenote:  I know these posts are becoming a bit more abstract and less funny, but it’s just I’ve been doing a lot of deep thinking lately and it’s been wonderful.  It’s an exercise in the mind.  You should try it sometime.  It does wonders for my creativity as well.  And the dreams!  Vivid, amazing dreams that you could never imagine unless you personally had them yourself!