Upping the Ante

October 29, 2006

Living in such a crazy world is not as easy as it looks.  I try realy ared to maintain the fact that what I talk about has to be moderately funny, but right now, I”m at a crossroads in my life.  I have a unique talent for both comedy and writing.  I could pursue either of the two, but pursuing both at the same time is completely insane.  I’d have to devote more than my share of time to both areas, which would probably lead to me getting burned out.  I think I might want to write a novel, well, maybe a short story.  Actually, why not a poem?  It doesn’t really matter.  I’ve just got to finish something.  that’s my problem.  Finishing things.  I’m great at starting things.  I can write even twenty pages or more.  I even wrote an eighty page book, but then I just stopped writing in it and it’s like if I try to go back, it will mean I have to read it all over again. 

Right now I’m in the middle of writing a BI-LO script and also writing a serious book about a man who has completely isolated himself from society.  They’re both a work in progress.  But the both require different mindsets to write.  There is much more dialogue in the BI-LO script than in the book because the guy in my book doesn’t really talk to anyone, ever.  But he talks through the book.  It’s written in first person, so everything I write is thought through his eyes.  I enjoy doing this, although it will take maybe another two to three months to finish this.  But I’m flowing with ideas from it, but I can never remember what I’ve already written about this character.  It’s a very interesting book so far, to me at least.

The BI-LO script is about the place where I currently work.  It is a terrible place to work, and it’s not especially conducive to creativity.  But I’m working on turning my world into a script.  It’s not my entire world, but it’s an integral part of it.  I just want to make a film that people can relate to.  Something that they find funny and also very thought-provoking. 

I also want to write some short stories about different things.  I just want to go deeply into character development and really allow people to get to know the characters I’m talking about.  By doing that, I kind of have an advantage.  I love detail and things like that, so it shouldn’t be too hard to come up with very interesting characters and dialogue.

Lastly, I want to come out with some kind of book about laziness.  Something to the effect where relaxation and meditation are key to being more productive while doing less work.  I could talk about the Law of Attraction or something, but I’m not sure that I want to be like everybody else.  My main goal is to create something unique, something totally me.  Something that can express my inner self directly and indirectly.  Not my ego, but my spirit.  I know that writing is what I was put on this earth to do, and the comedy will be a nice supplement.  I can take it out whenever I feel it is necessary. 

I am a big fan of dark comedies.  I love them to the point of utter insanity.  Two of my favorites are American Psycho and The Cable Guy.  Movies that have a great plot and also make you laugh.  I love things like that.  Especially the dark nature of each.  I may write some kind of dark comedy with an insane character that has a profession in fucking up lives.  I’m just bursting with ideas right now, but the only problem I’m having is working on all of these things simultaneously.  Maybe I should take one project at a time.  I’m not sure.  The thing is that I don’t know if in ten months if I’ll still be interested in certain projects that I think are good now.  I have to keep a running notebook of ideas, which probably means I’ll have to buy a computer keyboard so I can put my laptop further away and put the notebook on my desk and the keyboard below.  Never mind.  I don’t have to do that.  But I am going to try to finish my script and novel about a solitary man.  Well, I’ve got to get ready for work now, so I’ll be back some other time.

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Bad Movies, Generic Cereal, and Hammocks

October 17, 2006

I love going to bad movies.  Not just the run-of-the-mill bad movies, but the ones that Ebert and Roepper chopped their thumbs off.  The ones they use for torture in terrorist death camps.  Those are the movies I like to go see.  You know why?  Because if something is bad, I can talk to the people there with me about how bad it is.  It’s hilarious.  It’s like, “Hey, ths movie is awful, isn’t it?”  “Yeah, it sucks.”  And eventually, we go get our money back, not sit through the entire thing because I don’t give a shit how it ends.  All I care about it having the whole theater to myself.  I like to throw candy all over the place and yell random stuff out.  I remember when I went to go see, My Big Fat Greek Wedding.  What an awful movie!  I couldn’t believe how bad it was.  And then there’s Taladega Knights.  Oh, my God, was it awful.  I spent the whole movie laughing at how bad the plots and just how bad the acting was.  It was funny because it wasn’t funny at all.  I spent more time complaining at how bad it was, it made me laugh.  I hate people who actually like those movies, though.  I think I know what it is.  They’re trying to justify spending the money to go see it.  That’s a bunch of total crap.  If you didn’t like it, don’t lie to yourself and say you did just to make the expense sensical. 

I love going to bad movies, though.  Ones that people wouldn’t ever even bother going to, ever.  Although, the value of renting bad movies is pretty good as well.  Like if you were ever to rent Master of Disguise, you’ll know what I’m talking about.  The worst movie, ever, I think.  So bad and so worthless you had to laugh at the sheer volume of it, that someone would actually think this thing up and actually think it would do well at the box office.  That’s the real comedy in it all. 

I also hate people who say that generic products taste just as good as the name brand ones.  Like at a supermarket they have too versions of Frosted Flakes.  One of them is the Kellogg’s brand, and Tony the Tiger says, “They’re great!”  On the generic brand they have a cockroach saying, “They’re okay!”  And it’s a smaller box.  And they taste terrible.  Then there’s the people who say, “They taste the same.”  You know what the name for those people is?  Cheap bastard.  But stores are going to the absolute limit.  They actually have a generic brand of Gogurt and Triscuits.  Can you believe this?  The Gogurt is called “Grab ‘Ems” and the Triscuits are called “Wheat ‘Ems.”  How stupid is that?  They feel they have to compete with those companies, too?  I’m waiting for generic caviar or something.  Mmm mmm, the taste of generic fish eggs for 99 cents. 

I can’t wait until I get a hammock, though.  That is going to be so sweet.  I can just relax in it all day.  It’s like the ultimate relaxation furniture, if that’s what it’s classified as.  I wonder how much they cost, because I hear they’re pretty popular.  If I could get one that’s really comfortable, like the ones they make in Mexico, I’d be all set.  I had a friend in colllege who had his own dorm room and he had a gigantic hammock in there.  I was like, “Hot deal, man.  That’s awesome.”  What’s better than having one.  It’s so much better than stressing my back in a chair.  I’m going to check some prices on one and I’ll get one if it’s not too expensive.  I don’t need an iPod, I need a hammock.  Then I can practice Hammockology and become fucking awesome.  Well, let me know if you know how much a hammock costs.  I’m sure I can get a good one for less than $200 dollars.  But we’ll see.  See you later, peace.


South Park Pokes Fun at 9/11

October 12, 2006

I went to go see School for Scoundrels last night.  It was pretty funny.  It had the guy from Napoleon Dynamite and Billy Bob Thorton.  I’d give it about a seven and a half on a scale of one to ten.  We kind of left the movie early a little because I had to watch my one TV show a week, South Park.  It was an episode about the 9/11 conspiracy theories.  It was really good until the ending.  The ending kind of left me pissed off, but it was okay because the rest of it was so good.  They even had a fake version of the Hardy Boys, but they called them the Hardly Boys.  And they were so fucking gay it was hillarious.  “I’m getting a ragin clue right now.  My clue in pointing in this direction.”  Man, it was really funny.  And then the sscene where George W. Bush shoots a 911truth.org guy in the head, then ten minutes later Stan and Kyle see that same guy again alive.  It was a great fucking episode.    The animation was spectacular as well with amazing scenery shots.  I know you probably don’t see this from the two-dimensional South Park world, but this episode was special in that regard.  It was something that we had to get home for, though.  There was no waiting till 12 to watch the rerun.  It’s amazing how one show, and just one show, can make such a big impact on my life.  There really isn’t another show like that one.  If they didn’t have that show on Comedy Central or on TV at all, I would watch no TV.  But the benefits of seeing them push the envelope is so amazing that I even left a movie I paid $7.75 for to make it home in time.  Thank you, South Park and may the lord be with you.


Censorship is *Bleep*ing Bull*bleep*

September 18, 2006

I hate it all.  I hate bleeps, I hate those fake words they put in on a TV movie that used to be in theatre.  I *bleep*ing hate it all.  It’s just not natural.  It’s suppressing who we really are.  Forget using replacement words.  Say what you want to say and don’t back down.  Don’t let anyone get in your way.  It’s all about being yourself, whomever that might be.  In a previous post I wrote about comedians who sold out to do movies that were just awful.  It was because they valued money over their true self. Sure, they might have been a watered down version of who they are, but look at Bob Saget, for Christ’s sake.  That guy was a really funny comedian before America’s Funniest Home Videos came out.  He was very blue, but he was also very funny.  I know that foul language is not the choice of every comedian and the fact that they use clever things to disguise what they’re really talking about is nice and all, but the comedians that just say the *bleep* that you’re thinking and do the *bleep* you expect are the ones that deserve to be remembered, but all that is remembered about them is some corny movie they did about bull*bleep* that nobody remembers.  That’s all it is. 

I hate watching comedians on TV and hearing the bleep.  It’s just so frustrating, it makes me swear out loud at the television.  I’m paying for this thing called cable and I believe I deserve to hear everything those people are *bleep*ing saying, not some fake, edited version of their act.  It’s just not fair.  You’ve got to stand up for what you believe in.  I’m tired of hearing about how awful some things are on TV.  Don’t watch *bleep*ing them, then.  Jesus Christ.  Why should we all have to conform to some FCC standards?  Who the hell are they?  Notice I had to use hell instead of *bleep.*  It’s *bleep*ing bull*bleep.*  This post makes no *bleep*ing sense, but *bleep* it.  You know what I’m saying? 

People are always ready to get offended by anything.  Calm the *bleep* down.  It’s not really that bad.  So, some foul language got into the mainstream.  So what.  It’s not going to kill you, so lighten the *bleep* up.  It’s just stupid.  Moronic.  Idiotic.  Would movies like Office Space be as funny if it didn’t have the swear words that totally made the movie? No it wouldn’t.  Those words make a stand.  Because we’re so sheltered from them, every time we hear them, we instantly are attentive.  “Fuck” is the biggest attention-getting word in the world.  Anyone hears “fuck” and they instantly turn to where it’s coming from. It’s inevitable.  Maybe if we started using these words regularly, they would have less negative connotations and be just like the other words in the English language.  Then there would be no need for censorship.  All words created equal.  I mean, it is the tweny-first century, people, so get with the *bleep*ing program.

It’s all the Christian’s fault.  That’s whose fault it is.  I have to blame someone.  And I chose them.  Their whole motto of being afraid of doing things or else some guy who’s in charge of everything will punish you by sending you to some fiery temper is just insane.  What in the hell were they thinking when they wrote this?  Some guy with horns poking you with a pitchfork while you remain there for eternity?  Ha, and that’s what makes you afraid to use the word *bleep?*  Or *bleep*?  How about *bleep?*  Four-letter words that make everyone tick.  It’s just so *bleep*ing amazing.  Send me an email for the uncensored version of this post.  It’s dynomite.  Maybe I should censor the word *joke.*  Wouldn’t that just make everything confusing?  Or the word *punch?*  Take the sentence:  I punched my friend.  It becomes:  I *bleep*ed my friend.  I just don’t care anymore.  It’s all rooted in fear.  This whole censorship thing is all about how people are afraid to hear these words that supposedly can throw a whole country into disarray.  Controlling what we say in a country that values free speech so eloquently is such a hypocrisy that needs to be stopped.  I sure hope I struck a chord here because I’m just sick of it.  This is all I have to say about this topic.  *Bleep*ing enjoy this, mother *bleep*er.


Deal or No Deal

September 5, 2006

Howie Mandel makes me laugh.  I saw him do stand-up on Comedy Central’s Secret Stash about a year ago and I’ve been looking for his older comedy for awhile.  But when I found out he was hosting a television gameshow, I thought, “Damn it!”  I said that because I knew he was going to be censored in a very strict manner.  Which is one reason why I hate network television.  People aren’t allowed to speak their mind.  It’s all about who gets offended these days.  It’s never how something can be made better by some off-color humor.  This post relates to the show Deal or No Deal, but also to every comedian who sold out to be famous and wasn’t half as funny as their true self while in the Hollywood shows and movies that are so critially acclaimed.

Howie Mandel:  I figured I’d start with him.  I remember watching his children’s show Bobby’s World and I remember thinking, “Wow, this show is stupid.”  I never really thought much of him as a person.  I didn’t know what potential he had when he can just let loose in a nightclub.  The vision I had of Howie Mandel was a watered-down version, just like the one I also saw on Deal or No Deal.  However, I saw the second watered-down version of him after I saw the real him.  So it kind of shocked me that he would still take the money and run while censoring himself into Bob Saget (who by the way will be mentioned in this article).  But it came down to one thing:  Take the money and be lame, or not take the big paycheck and remain unable to reach a broader audience, but still be able to be who you truly are.  Now, it’s quite a predicament, I know, but I’m sure it’s not easy to make a decision for sure. 

Eddie Murphy:  Eddie Murphy is a great comedian.  However, even though a few of his movies were remotely funny, he still was saying things that other people put in his mouth.  The older he’s got, the more kid-friendly movies he’s done.  And they’re just awful now.  I can’t even believe people go to see movies like Pluto Nash and Daddy Day Care.  Ugh.  You’d have to pay me to go see stuff like that.  But he’s done movies back in the day that were so amazing.  Take the original Nutty Professor for example.  That was as close to the real Eddie as mass media would allow.  Typical humor to his style, and the fact that he played almost every character at that dinner table.  Those were the days.  At least for him.  But of course, Dr. Dolittle was to follow, along with an array of subpar comedies from a man that changed from a funny guy to a family-friendly cop-out comedian.  I’m sure he did it for the money, but after you get your fifth 20 million dollar check, isn’t it about time to be yourself again?  Isn’t it?

Redd Foxx:  Redd Foxx was one of the bluest comedians of his era, and yet, on his hit show Sanford and Son, he was nothing but an old man with hardly any sense of humor.   Sure, it was funny when he called Lamont Wilson a “big dummy,” but that’s about it.  I remember hearing just one joke of Redd Foxx’s, and I laughed my ass off.  But, for some reason, he never really became his real self on the show.  He was this watered-down pony express.  It was still pretty funny, but I knew he was funnier.

Bob SagetThis guy is the king of selling out.  I remember hearing someone telling me that Bob Saget was funny.  And I thought, No, he can’t be funny.  I’ve seen him on America’s Funniest Home Videos< and he’s anything buy funny.  All he ever does are those stupid voices and acts like a moron. He can’t possibly be funny.  And then I saw a video of him performing on stage and I laughed my ass off, again.  Where was all this material on the show?  On <a href=”>America’s Funniest Home Videosand he’s anything buy funny.  All he ever does are those stupid voices and acts like a moron. He can’t possibly be funny.  And then I saw a video of him performing on stage and I laughed my ass off, again.  Where was all this material on the show?  On America’s Funniest Home Videos, he wasn’t who he really is and that really hurt his career. Now everyone thinks of him as someone who does stupid jokes during someone else’s home videos.The whole point of htis post was to show that all these people had been gvien a deal that would censor them and give them loads of money, or be themselves and continue what they’re alredy doing for less money.  I guess what they say is true:  Money is the root of all evil.  I mean I can understand that some people, like Jerry Seinfeld, didn’t really need to censor himself because he already was a clean comedian.  He was incharge of his show.  Louis CK is making a show on HBO that’s pretty funny.  It’s a sitcom.  I saw one peisode and I enjoyed it.  It was all things from his stand-up act.  Jesus Christ, I’m going to have to add a lot of links to this article.  Wish me luck!