I want to write a post on saving animals. And no, it’s not to save the dolphins or the kittens or the other cute animals. This is a post to save the animals that nobody gives a damn about. The ones that people who see them don’t really care what happens to them. Why is this? Because I don’t believe that other animals should get preference over these not so aethetic animals.
The Sloth: The sloth is one of the laziest and most disgusting animals ever. It’s amazing that something like that can even exist. I guess that’s why one of the seven deadly sins is named after it. It just spends all day, clinging to a tree, eating the bugs that climb into its skin. It’s very unkept and I’m willing to bet it hasn’t shaved in a couple of months. But just because it’s lazy and unkempt, does that mean that these animal rights advocates can just forget about them? Sure, they’re not doing anything, but why should they not be protected like the cute kitten or the dolphins who are supposedly as smart as human beings. My ass.
The Platypus: This thing looks like a last-second project done by a procrastinator. Of course, I’m talking about the duck-billed variety. Just took some sort of beaver and stuck a beak on it. That’s essentially what it is. Now its head is low because the bill is so heavy, he can’t even afford to look up, unless he wants to risk snapping his neck. He’s the joke of the animal kingdom. I’m sure other animals look at him and are like, “Hey, are you a platypus, a duck, or do you go both ways?” And every time that happens the platypus dies a little inside. But he’s used to it.
The Walrus: What the hell is this thing? It looks like something out of a Steven King novel, except he’s not scary at all. With those tusks, he looks like an elephant who just gave up onl ife and became a couch potato. But just because he doesn’t eat peanuts doesn’t mean he doesn’t deserve to be on the World Wildlife Fund posterboard. I mean, come on, he’s at least lived for awhile and done what he needs to do to be recognized as an animal. He’s handed in the paperwork and everything. So give him his shot in the limelight.
The Manatee: I don’t know why, but people have often mistaken a manatee for a mermaid. How the hell is that possible? Even if they did, it must have been one ugly, fat mermaid who didn’t exactly bring home the bacon, probably because she already ate it. I feel bad that the manatee doesn’t get the recognition it deserves. I mean, just a centerfold in Animal Magazine would do it some good. It’s not like the last one was any good anyway. And it’s the so-called “sea cow.” The sea cow? Moo? That’s just cruel. You know why? Because it doesn’t even know we call it that? you know why? Because it doesn’t speak our language. And that’s one reason why there needs to be a memo sent to them, in their language.
So, here I stand, complaining about animals that don’t get their due. But what am I going to do about it, you may be asking. Well, I’ll tell you. I’ve decided to start a Save the Platypus foundation, which will encompass all of the animals mentioned here, along with the aardvark, the xenops, and a lot of the nocturnal animals, who are supposedly self-conscious, which is why the only come out under the cover of darkeness. Look for a poster in the future. It’s going to be dynomite! Peace.